More Than a Fashion: My Divorce Emancipation

As you know, these past eight months in my life have been filled with challenges, heartbreak, doubts, disappointments and flat-out fear.  There were days early on in the dissolution of my marriage that I was afraid that I would have no place to live, afraid that I would have to leave school, afraid that I was truly alone in the world and terrified that I didn't have what it would take to carry me though the most difficult days of my life. I could not have imagined last September that I would ever care enough about something like the fashion contest I just submitted to, to even consider entering. I could not imagine that my mind would be clear enough to come up with a vision for my entry or with enough positive energy to create anything  worth showing in a public forum. I felt very dead inside and numb to any thoughts except those that made me feel hopeless, worthless and very unloved. That was then and today I can very emphatically state that I was wrong.

Do I still have challenges? Of course. We all do, but I have learned so much by meeting the challenges of the last eight months that I have actually gained confidence in my abilities through adversity. Who knew? Oh yeah, whoever it was that said,  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That person must have known that. Just entering a design contest was something I probably wouldn't have had the confidence to do before.

Doubts and disappointments? Yeah. They're still present and accounted for and probably always will be to some extent. I think that's why they call it LIFE, right? But, most of the disappointments pale in comparison to the massive disappointment I experienced when my marriage ended. So, not winning a prize in this contest would be a disappointment, but not one that will throw me off my game or send me into a tailspin because I had a lot of fun making this dress and that is something I have certainly learned to value lately.

Fears? Yes. I must admit that the future still looks pretty scary to me, but when I look at the things I feared most a few months ago, they aren't as scary as they were then. I do have a place to live. The Powers that Be, brought me to the right people at the right time in the right place and I am living in a safe, happy environment. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to finish school and it did come very close to that. I honestly can't clearly recall a lot of the fall semester, but I do remember people who loved me telling me to get a certain part of my anatomy out of bed and into the classroom! I'm not saying I appreciated their words at the time, but I did drag myself to class everyday and, somehow managed to meet the requirements of each class. Now, graduation is so close I can smell it and it smells DELICIOUS!

The fear that I was alone in the world was one that faded rather quickly. From the day I discovered the deception in my marriage until this moment, I have not been alone. The number of loved family members and friends that have been there to support me outnumber even the number of stitches on my contest dress. You have to take my word for it ... that's a lot! And you, my blog friends, are counted in that group. Your comments of love and support mean so much to me. Thank you all. I still wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to carry me through the difficult days that I know are still out there ahead of me, but once you know that you have the kind of support that has been shown to me, that fear isn't always in the forefront of your mind.

And then there's heartbreak. Yup, it's still broken. I think a bit of that heartbreak will never fully heal, but sometimes these days it doesn't throb so badly and sometimes these days I only cry a little and sometimes these days I think that the broken heart has just become a part of who I am today. Today, I don't feel hopeless, worthless or unloved, so maybe the heartbreak had some strange, convoluted positive effect on me. At least I know I have a heart and it goes out to everyone I love with sincere and boundless gratitude.

So, can a dress for a fashion contest really say all that? Well, that's what it says to me and I just wanted to share that with all of you. Thanks ever so to all of you.

Until next time,